SIGH. Sigh everything, basically.
I got the tier levels for Patreon mostly sorted out, I got some bio stuff up there, I think the next step is to figure out the coding for the polls and Tuckerization and then
(then I forgot to finish and post this because of Chester Bennington's suicide throwing me entirely off my stride and sending me to the couch of despair and ennui for the rest of the night.)
But I did manage to wake up on time and get through the morning stuff, including doing a bunch of exercises which I haven't done in a couple of days. Though to be entirely fair Wednesday's lack of morning exercise is always because I go to capoeira class in the evening.
Having one of those days where apparently I can't say anything on Twitter without it turning into Discourse, usually involving some form of "you're wrong and this made me angry that you're wrong" so instead I ended up staying off Twitter and going through some old writing, and writing a bunch of summaries of my various worlds for Patreon. And then remembering that I'd written this thing and that thing and finding this other thing in my documents folder that I'd forgotten. And getting utterly distracted by everything.
(Note to self: this weekend you are rereading Pen Bryton and the Storms bits and the "what the shit is this?" thing to familiarize yourself, not to edit it and redo it for posting and publishing all at once.)
Blergh. I have a hair appointment, which because I'm a socially anxious idiot I forgot to say "no I can't do this at 10 I have a class" so instead of doing capoeira tomorrow I will be getting my hairs cut and then running several blocks to capoeira, so this is going to be interesting. I would skip but Deutschkind is going to be there and I haven't seen her in ages and if nothing else I can catch the last 30 or so and play games and sing songs and be ridiculous with my capoeira peeps. And then apparently there will be endless errands after.
I'm in a weird headplace such that I feel scattered because I did that stupid scheduling thing, but I have a plan to deal with it, other things are moving forward, and I'm keeping up with my writing and to some extent my languages so I don't feel entirely behind? Or out of control of things. But. I don't know, it's all very weird. I guess I'll take it though. It's not bad, just a bit left of center. Also my Patreon is almost ready and a lot less nerve-wracking to get through if it's going to be monthly, stupid Patreon and your weird inability to get a coherent explanation of how per-creation setup works. You couldn't just have it be like a Kickstarter and then when you've delivered all the tier rewards it wipes it all down and you can start another one? Ugh.
Today, okay, I still stayed up too late the night before playing silly games on my phone but I managed to get out the door intact and with my capoeira clothes, work is slower, writing is happening, and I might even get my Patreon up by the end of the week. I adjusted it back down to monthly and am working on reshaping the goals because if I'm describing myself as trying to replace income, that makes more sense than having it be per-creation. Also Patreon is absolute shite at explaining how per-creation works, and possibly shite at making per-creation work without charging people either more or less than they should be charged. Oy.
So, monthly it is. Which means figuring out what my expectations of myself are going to be and how to articulate it to my audience and so on. Possibly also figuring out how PHP and maybe a couple other languages work because I'll want to put in input forms on my website at some point. That's going to be fun.
Starlight, despite yesterday's exhausting clusterfuck of a day, is still continuing apace. [redacted] happened and there was much frenzied discussion of books and it looks like that's going to go smoothly up to the point where someone else has to decide that this is a worthy thing to happen, but I'm used to that. Thanks years of submitting novels and so on. I think I mentioned that I went to the second stage of PandaMoon submission slush pile, but in case I didn't, yes, I went to the second stage, word-vomited up some answers to some very silly questions, was complimented for my thoroughness, and now that's being read. I'm actually really pleased with Turing Shrugged so while I'm fairly uncaring whether it gets accepted or not, I'm... hm. What's the right description here? I give no fucks for pro publishing or self publishing but I'm proud to have submitted the best version of it that I had? Something like that. And pleased to be read and hope they like it but if they don't, reasonably sure it's because it's just not their cuppa rather than because I wrote a shitty novel. There's satisfaction in that.
Also I think Starlight will actually be finished, in a draft, by the end of the year because somehow I've gotten a lot better and a lot faster and more efficient at writing second drafts. Go figure. Hopefully a lot more efficient and faster at writing when I have an idea of the overall structure in general but that doesn't necessarily translate; an outline is a lot different than a first draft and it might take several tries to figure out where the fuck the story is supposed to go. Not there! Not there. Not there.
I actually feel okay about going to capoeira tonight. This may make the second night in a row considering I skipped Saturday because oh dear god between headache and all argh. What is this madness???
SO THAT WAS FUN. I didn't go to capoeira. I spent most of the weekend huddled on the couch watching animated movies and NCIS and happily vacationing in the land of not coping.
Everything still feels sleepy and weird but I at least did get a bunch of work things done and almost all the writing done yesterday to get up to par. So that's good. I watched Lilo and Stitch for the first time, yes, I know, and really enjoyed that and cried at the this is my family part like everyone else (I imagine) and then watched Kubo and the Two Strings and cried at the ending part about stories and memories (because it hit home pretty hard) and spent most of Saturday crying off and on and most of Sunday feeling tired and crying less.
Turing Shrugged is still in the running for the one small press publisher, and I don't know how I feel about that. I still haven't heard back from the one lawyer despite sending two emails so lots of swearing, fuck that, I think I'm giving him till the end of the week and then writing him off. Um. So Malachy's on hold there, I'm working on Starlight still. That might even be done by the end of the month. I need to do Patreon shit but my focus was shot all weekend for it. I need to update my website with my blog, that might happen towards the end of today's work day. As far as general stuff goes I'm doing surprisingly well for having had a hit to the psyche over the weekend. I'm just tired and sad and erratic and having feelings and anxieties all over the place still. Somewhat. We'll see.
I need to start reading again. That might help. Reading fiction, not nonfiction, as much cool nonfiction as I've been reading lately. And I need to stop thinking about David Z but that's not going to happen anytime in the next 24.
— email —
I always thought I’d too commit suicide one day, but I haven’t. I hope you haven’t either. Funny thing is that no matter how painful I find my own existence, when I see others saying such things all I want to do is help and let them know how wonderful, beautiful, and meaningful they are. Frank. should you read this and want to share any of it, you have full permission to use my name: Caitlin Pennington.
I am so tired that the brainweasels aren't even having much of an effect. I can't react to the fear of oh god I'm a hack (thank you SO MUCH professional writer with six figure contract assholes) because I'm too goddamn tired and it's just not interesting or hooked in enough. Whatever. The weasels can come back after I've had a nap and maybe an eclair or a hamburger and we'll see how responsive I am to their prodding then.
A little surprised that even in my messed up in the brainpan and sleepy state I'm sort of keeping track of everything. Sort of. I managed to fix some stuff on my web page last night, still apparently have one thing to do according to my Habitica list but whatever. And then I do have to figure out Patreon text somehow, along with outlines for the stories I'm going to write for them and then work that into my workload. Which still feels surprisingly manageable given that I'm working on Starlight and it's actually on schedule to be second drafted by the end of the month.
(If anyone has any opinions I figured out that actually my first Patreon shouldn't be one of the current novels in almost final drafts [bar copyedits and approval by editrix] but rather a set of short stories or novellas in my different universes as sort of an introduction. Only now I have to figure out how to do that and who else is doing short fiction so I have some examples.)
Buuuuut. But the work computer is going nicely, the keyboard is taking some getting used to and I think it might be mechanical? Or just really fucking loud. And capoeira is going well even if it is still just the three of us and I need to weed my damn garden still and get better about tending to that and the lawyer needs to goddamn contact me back but other than that! Life is mostly these days minor annoyances and overall the essential functions are going smooth, well, sometimes amazing. But oh my god I am so fucking sleepy right now.
Got to work.
Heard someone banging on the doors ten minutes before open.
It turned out to be a truck delivery guy with a pallet of about
And guess who got to unload them all.
I am so goddamn tired and it's barely half an hour into work. Ugh. I can probably find the energy to write somewhere but right now all I want to do is lie down and stare at the ceiling. And not call the lawyer I really should call at some point today. Maybe around lunch. Maybe I'll just email.
I did manage to get caught up to where I should be on Starlight last night, which is good. I don't want to say it too loudly lest I scare it but I might actually finish the second draft of this novel in Camp Nanowrimo. I have to resist the urge to push my word count back up though because no. I do not need the stress of trying to meet a higher word count when it's possible the novel would be satisfied by a lower one. If I make it up to a higher word count so be it. Also you're exhausted and prone to not thinking clearly.
The retail therapy itch keeps happening but no, I don't need to get anything immediately so calm your tits and your wallet fingers, self. I mean I will need a haircut in the next couple of weeks for my bangs, and I'll get my brows styled by a professional at the same time but other than that I'm good on just about everything, I think. Besides, retail therapy is usually a sign that I'm tired and stressed.
So. Deep breaths today. I want to get some work done on Starlight and as much of that edited as possible, hide in happy pretendy fun time people, read some fiction book because I have so many I haven't been reading. Weed the garden or at least make a start of it. Get kits made at work because I've been letting that slide. Contact the lawyer, probably call him at this point. Which means checking on future appointments with the aunt. One step at a time, all of these are things I can do easily. One step at a time, and no retail therapy, no food therapy that makes you hyper and crash, no lounging therapy that makes your muscles seize up because you did a lot of exercise and now you need to stretch. Let's be healthy, self. We can take it slower and be healthy.
Which means I'd better get my ass moving on Starlight. Heh.
Of course the moment I said that I got a follow-up you-have-advanced-to-the-next-round form letter from one of the publishing people from PitMad about Turing Shrugged, so then I wasted a couple of hours doing that in between day jobligations. I'm not sure I wasn't too aggressive in the "look here is who I am, here is what I do, allow me to delicately suggest that some of this interview process is semi-fertile horse manure and why didn't you look over the answers that I filled in on that website in the first place?" but at this point I am not sure I give a damn. If they won't take it I'll publish it my own damn self.
Ugh, and now I'm exhausted and I don't want to do capoeira, let alone catch up in the Starlight draft and argh. But capoeira will be good for me and help clear my head and give me focus, so I suppose I will do the thing and suffer the exhaustion. I have eyeshadows waiting for me at home as a treat after. (I don't know if I mentioned but I'm just assembling my own damn palette of mattes since I already have all the sparkle shadows I could possibly need.)
And I still need to poke the lawyer who hasn't gotten back to me with a time or whatever or even replied to my last email. But that can happen tomorrow now that I've re-answered all the one place's questions.
Sotired. So much donotwant.
Final schedule for Yuletide 2017
Nominations Friday Sept 8 - Saturday Sept 16
Sign-ups Sunday Oct 1 - Monday Oct 9
Assignments out by Sunday Oct 15
Default deadline Monday Dec 11
Assignment deadline Monday Dec 18
Please note that this is a week earlier than the draft schedule we previously posted.
New Year’s Resolutions notification
If you took part in Yuletide and defaulted after the default deadline, or you submitted an incomplete story at the posting deadline, or you defaulted in Yuletide twice in a row, we ask you to complete a New Year’s Resolution story before you sign up again.
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More information about New Year’s Resolutions
New Year’s Resolution fics written for the purpose of re-qualifying for Yuletide must be posted to the New Year's Resolutions 2017 collection before you sign up to Yuletide 2017. They must be over 1,000 words and written to a previous Yuletide prompt. You can write for a Yuletide 2016 prompt, or you can choose an older Yuletide prompt as long as the fandom in which you write is small enough to still qualify for Yuletide (that is: when adding the total fics on AO3 and ff.net, there are fewer than 1,000 fics that are in English, complete, and over 1,000 words long).
The New Year’s Resolution system exists for several reasons:
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2016 prompts on AO3
Google spreadsheet of all prompts (thank you to Min)
Database of 2016's Dear Author letters (thank you to lsellersfic)
2016 prompts as a text file
Prompts from 2016's non-signed-up pinch hitters on LJ and on DW
Some Day My Fic Will Come mini-challenge - This challenge is for prompts that are posted year after year after year - see more info at the link!
The new work computer is finally set up and at this point the only reason the old computer is set up at all is file transfer. Which means I need to get all the paperwork cleared up so I can do all the appropriate filing and so on. That stuff gets left around anyway though. Oops. I really am awful about filing things and I need to get better about that. But NEW COMPUTER. Hopefully I won't have to upgrade from Win10 for a good fucking long time after this. The week of software fails was incredibly stressful and annoying.
Did I mention I turned in the Malachy draft? I turned in the Malachy draft. So that's done. I need to figure out when the hell I turned in the TS drafts and when I should contact these people and so on, all that information is in an email filed away somewhere so mostly I just have to look at it and set up alerts on my phone or somewhere. But blegh logistics. I need to set up a Patreon. I need to figure out how that's going to work, what works to put on it (Possibly Starlight and Malachy at this point/rate) aaand I need to redo my web page to take out Imzy and put on Patreon. Poop. Poop on Patreon. And possibly my blog. Which reminds me I should do that other blog entry now that I have a twitter audience of still around 4k. This was, what, last fall/winter that something I typed went viral and I gained 4k new followers? I had 600 to start with, very slowly climbing but 600. Then went up to 4700 and now it's down to 4300 and change so yes, I'm assuming I have a rounded up 3k of people who are not bots and at least interested enough not to stop following me. So, um. I should start blogging again. Possibly instead of clogging people's Twitter feeds.
I'm so excited about my new work computer that I'm cleaning off my home computers too. Heh. I really need to get a better backup hard drive than the clunky one I have right now, but I guess that'll be good enough for another several months. Maybe at Christmas I'll get myself a new one. And in the meantime, all my language books are off the flash drive and onto the desktop, most of the fonts are all backed up in appropriate places, god knows all my writing work is backed up in five places. I think mostly it's just figuring out where all the individual little randomass files go. Over the next few days.
Still surprisingly happy, rested, exercised, moving forward in work and writing and so on and so forth. Getting back into the habit of Habitica, heh. Slowly, very slowly. I might also install a lot of my writing programs on the computer at work, although I feel a bit guilty about installing Scrivener and Gimp and so on when I should mainly keep it for work stuff. Only a little bit. Blergh. I'll figure something out. And Patreon. I definitely need to figure Patreon out.
I did finally finish the draft of Maybe She's Born With It (Maybe It's Malachy) on Friday, and Saturday was supposed to be the day of writing the synopsis for Starlight but that damn well didn't happen, and instead I got to spend the entire day either at a capoeira class of one or setting up the new work computer. Which was a disappointing way to spend a Saturday. But Sunday I got in pokewalking and synopsizing and cooking and not very much cleaning but the books put away and the coffee table cleaned off, which was important cleaning. So that was good.
Nngh I would like not to have woken up at 5 in the morning with nightmares. I already went to bed with a slight headache, just enough to make it difficult to concentrate which I think is just exhaustion and heat two days in a row. (First, walking from capoeira to work in ridiculous heat and humidity with a heavy bag since I had to take breakfast and all my capoeira stuff, then doing pokewalk around at the heat of the day which was my own damn fault but still.) And then I woke up at five in the morning after some really awful nightmares in which some entitled white boy was stalking me with a knife and took the responding cop's gun and shot him with it and something else where I was hiding in a room to protect a couple other people, one of whom was injured, so I couldn't just walk out and stab him although I clearly wanted to because my KA-Bar was right there. I just. Nightmares, man.
I have three computers I'm working from at work now. The main one that's still connected to everything but can't run any shipping software anymore, the laptop that runs one shipping software, the new desktop that only runs one shipping software and can't connect to everything it needs to at the same time because insufficient hardware (the hardware is on its way, it's just taking a bit). So I feel like a character in a hacker movie and I keep grabbing for the wrong mouse for the screen I'm working from. It's funny the first few times.
But mostly I'm just tired and sleepy and I want to go home and take off my pants and bra and write and sleep and read. I'm having one of those weeks where if we had universal basic income I would feel so recharged, and and since we don't I'm exhausted. I don't even dislike my job! It just doesn't recharge me nearly as well as writing and reading. Meh.