[FIC] RPF: cross-eyed for good luck

[evocates]

For this, I'd like to thank caras_galadhon because she gave me the idea long ago. It's kind of obvious once you read it to know why. :3 I'm almost sorry for using it in a fic with Orlando, though, but I hope you like my Orlando anyway. 8D

cross-eyed for good luck

Characters/Pairing: Sean Bean/Orlando Bloom
Rating: PG
Words: ~500
Disclaimer: Didn’t happen, just the product of my imagination.
Summary: Orlando has a problem. Written for afra_schatz.

The phone rang. Sean nearly dropped the pan he was washing, scrambling slightly to dry his hands on the towel before he grabbed the phone and picked it up.

"Bean, I can't cross my eyes."

Sometimes Sean wondered why he needed caller-ID at all. It was really far too easy to figure out was calling him every time. But then again, both Viggo and Orlando seemed to like starting conversations in the middle without telling him the beginning, and sometimes he was far too drunk to figure out the differences in accents.

Not that he needed to. His reply was always the same.

"Wot?"

Orlando sighed. Melodramatically. "I can't cross my eyes."

"Alrigh'," Sean shoved the phone between his shoulder and jaw, holding it there while he continued washing the dishes. "Why are ya tryin'?"

"You told me to cross everything I've got for your MacBeth opening night."

"So I did."

"Well, I crossed all my fingers. Even my thumbs! But I had to stop that so I could call you. I crossed my toes too. But then when I'm waiting for you to pick up - and man, you took a hell of a long time to pick up, are you going slow in your old age? - I remembered that I can cross my eyes. So I tried. But I can't."

Sean dried the pan and placed it on the rack.

"What's the problem wi' it?"

"Apparently my eyes keep sliding away. I think. I can't tell."

"Ya can find a mirror?"

"I'm standing in front of one! Why, are you going to ask me to take off my clothes?"

Sean pretended he didn't hear that. He started to dry another dish. "Ya take one 'and off the phone. Uncross those fingers. Put yer index finger right in front o' ya. Straight in front."

"As straight as my nose and as straight as yours isn't?"

"Look, ya want me 'elp wi' this or not?"

"Shutting up now."

"Anyway," he continued. The phone was slipping off his shoulder. He shoved it back up. "Put yer finger there, and focus on it. Really concentrate."

"How hard do I have to concentrate?"

"Like ya are tryin' ta drink one of Dom's Blowjobs withou' touchin' the glass."

"Woah. That's a hell lot of effort. Okay, concentrating..."

"Feel yer eyes movin' yet?"

"Be quiet. I'm concentrating."

Sean finished with the dishes, dried his hands, and moved to the living room. He switched on the television.

"Ya can try liftin' yer 'ead up ta look inta the mirror."

"Shhhh, oh hey, I can! Hey, it worked!"

"There ya go," Sean said. He changed the channel to Sky and waited for the match to start. He concentrated very fiercely on the television.

"Wait." There was a scuffle. "Yeah, I'm literally crossing everything I've got here. Even my thumbs! And eyes!"

"Good lad," Sean drawled.

"So kick their arses or else I'll kick yours for making me do so much stupid crap."

End

Comments

[moit.livejournal.com]

LOL! I love this! Orlando is such a quirky mess, and I love the way you write him and patient!Bean.

"Like ya are tryin' ta drink one of Dom's Blowjobs withou' touchin' the glass."

And this line just made me laugh so hard. :) :)

[bluegerl.livejournal.com]

Oh - giggles giggles... oh Sean is SO used to these phone conversations isn't he? he can multitask with such ease... I LOVE it. And I can see poor Orlando standing in front of a mirror squinching his nose and eyes staring at his finger... heh hehhhheeee

Macbeth? IS the film going to be made??? I WISH they'd do it with Bean.

[peersrogue.livejournal.com]

Another perfect story - Sean watching the match and Orlando watching his finger. Magic! hee hee.

[foxrafer.livejournal.com]

That's a lot of fun! I also like that this little silly diversion can also serve to help Sean relax before the big night. Really sweet. :-)

[afra_schatz]

May I just repeat what I said before? I LOVE YOU and this is perfection.

[stormatdusk.livejournal.com]

"Like ya are tryin' ta drink one of Dom's Blowjobs withou' touchin' the glass."

ha!

[krazykitten46.livejournal.com]

*giggles* Orlando is such a dork but a good friend. Your Sean is terribly patient. I can't see why he didn't just hang up. Obviously also a good friend or very bored.

[woowoochow.livejournal.com]

loved it.

[evocates.livejournal.com]

Orlando is a very quirky, enthusiastic mess. Also just a little bit of an idiot, but we love him that way.

The Blowjob is basically in a shot glass so theoretically it's possible. Just. Takes a lot of concentration. Something Orlando would be perfect at. 8D

Thank you for commenting! ♥

[evocates.livejournal.com]

This is supposed to be set in 2002, just before Macbeth opens in the theatre. As in, actual theatre. 8D I do wish they would make a film with Sean as Macbeth. Or better yet, Sean as Prospero in Tempest. But yes, Sean is subject to both Viggo and Orlando's insane and inane conversations, so he's really good at this multitasking thing.

Thank you for commenting, lovely! ♥

[evocates.livejournal.com]

Magic indeed! Thank you, I'm glad you enjoyed it! ♥

[evocates.livejournal.com]

HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE. I love you too. Come, come, let's elope. :3

/hugs. It was really fun to write too, fff. Random idiocies indeed.

[evocates.livejournal.com]

It's a very stupid party trick that requires a large amount of concentration. Perfect for Orlando, isn't it? 8D Thank you!

[evocates.livejournal.com]

Thank you!

[evocates.livejournal.com]

Sean has tried hanging up before. Orlando just bombs his phone, then his answering machine, until he picks up again. It saves less time to just humour him. 8D Sean is a very sensible friend.

Thank you, I'm glad it made you laugh. ♥!

[evocates.livejournal.com]

Oh definitely, though I don't think Orlando is conscious of that. Thank you! ♥