So. Um. I've been feeling out of whack again for the past few days, or maybe even this whole week. My emotions... well. If emotions can be charted in a line graph, mine would be the messiest one ever. Zigzagging up and down and up and down with tiny periods of complete apathy before going up and down again.
I would blame it on hormones except for the fact that my period's nowhere near.
I feel excited about the oddest things, squeeing and freaking out the roommate. I have periods where I can't stop writing and now I feel as if I've ran out of juice and can't write a thing.
It's kind of pathetic.
Two weeks or so, I accidentally overheard someone describing me as 'cold and emotionless'. I don't think I'm like that, but maybe I am? I'm incredibly bad at social interaction, emotional cues and emoting and everything like that. I'm not emotionless, or else I won't be feeling like a rollerocaster this week. I feel kind of... detached, I think. Flat line. Nothing. Complete and utter apathy. You can tell me that your favourite dog just died and you're devastated and I won't feel any sympathy because I don't think I can. It's horrible. I'm horrible. Or something.
The reason that I can write, I think, is because, well, I can't really show or express my emotions well. A psychiatrist diagnosed me as 'socially and emotionally immature' when I was thirteen. I. I just have this incredibly bad time in trying to show people how I feel about something, and most of the time I fail and fall flat on my face. It's incredibly hard for me to show any emotion, whether on my face or my actions or whatever. I feel, but it's just. Very difficult for me to express how I feel properly, you know?
My sister says it's probably a mild form of Asperger's Syndrome. I have no idea. And right now, I dont' particularly care. Still completely apathetic. It's kind of like my body's sitting here, typing all this crap and my mind and soul is somewhere else. Or they don't exist right now. Or something. No idea, really.
Man, am I fucked up.
I probably seem completely emotionless and cold to people. I mean, it's not as if I'm friendly. I have this massive personal bubble in real life, and nobody gets close to me except the people I allow. And sometimes not even then. I've had friends tell me that they sometimes wish they hate me because they don't know anything about me, about how I'm feel or who I am, because I don't do anything to show them that I'm not a robot, you know? I never knew how to answer them.
Typing... the internet's easy, because I'm literally talking to the screen and people don't have to read this if they don't want to. Internet also gives me a whole new shield that I can hide behind, you know? It's convenient, and I can always friends-lock or private-lock my posts if I want to.
I can't do that in RL. I can do that, on a lesser extent, on paper.
See, I'm incredibly bad at interpreting facial expression and words as well. I really can't pick up on social or emotional cues as most girls should be able to, and I'm just left fumbling when people expect me to be able to know what they're thinking, especially girls. I don't. I am a social retard and I can't pick up your clues because I don't realize that you dropped them in the first place.
On paper, I can erase or throw away what I wrote if I want to, and no one would be able to see them. But, verbally, I can't. 'cos words can't be taken back and I know that perfectly well. It's just that it sucks, you know, when you knew you said something that had hurt someone but you don't realize what it was. And then you repeated that mistake again and again. It's a vicious cycle and I need a way to break out of it. I don't know if I can.
Still a flat line. Argh.
I need a clue trout to my head or something. Or maybe some social grace. Some idea of what to say to people that won't make them want to cry or kill me or hate me. Anything that won't isolate me as 'cold and emotionless' when I'm not.
Sometimes I wonder if it'll be easy if I've been born a boy. Boys don't get shit like this. or if they do, it's normal because girls are the emotionl ones anyway/
It's probably not a very good thing that I scored masculine in the Personal Mind Gender test I took.