evocates: (Ouran: Tamaki - Writewritewrite)
• just another dreamer • ([personal profile] evocates) wrote2013-06-30 05:01 pm

[FIC] RPF: maybe

I've been really busy lately. Which is precisely why I got inspired enough to write fic. /sighs


Characters/Pairings: Sean Bean/Viggo Mortensen
Rating: R
Words: ~1620
Disclaimer: Didn’t happen, just the product of my imagination.
Summary: He wanted bigger love, but he only knew how to avert his eyes and pretend to look at someone else.” Every eighteen months, sometimes sooner when he couldn’t help himself, Viggo and Sean would continue their ritual of meeting. A companion fic to sometimes, part two of refractions.
Notes: Inspired by Just Coffee again, and also Vienna Teng’s Harbor.

Fear is the brightest of signs
The shape of the boundary you leave behind

Sometimes Viggo thought he had spent over ten years waiting for Sean to learn a language. The language of him, writ in all the words in that he had made into codes and tried to form on his lips a thousand times. Insubstantial things, not truly words at all for they were embodied not in letters but in the soft twitches of his fingertips as he tried to keep himself from reaching out; in the fluttering of his eyelashes as he tried to breathe in Sean’s voice and store it in his lungs. There were proper words in standardised languages too: the countless words he shaped into poems and stories, but they were mutated, twisted little things, torn apart and remade until they no longer resembled anything like Sean and himself.

The code had a keystone to unlock all the codes and make their meanings pour out wild and unrestrained, crashing upon Sean like the white foam of the Rauros Falls had upon Boromir. It would be so easy to release it, as easy as a child opening his hands and allowing a butterfly to fly free. Yet Viggo continued to keep the keystone hidden, tucked under his tongue. It was a cold and bitter thing, constantly nudging against the sides of his mouth, urging with his sharp edges for release, for him to reach over to transfer it to another mouth. Speak, sometimes he could hear the keystone say. Speak.

Sometimes, it said Kiss him, because the words had been failing him all this while. Yet the keystone remained where it was, and truth curled like a ball in the very depths of his own chest.

For Viggo, the once-every-eighteen-months meeting with Sean was a ritual, as sacred and instinctive as a believer’s need to fall onto his knees and pray to God in times of adversity. Like an addict, he would start twitching and his nerves would pull tight and tie themselves into knots as the day he could possibly meet Sean approached. Then he would start counting down the days, a timer ticking at the back of his mind. He became like a bomb, waiting to explode.

It always took so much effort to detonate himself, to not burst out with words until he became a babbling mess. Yet he always did. His restraint had become part of the ritual itself, as inescapable as the need to find Sean and remind himself of all that he couldn’t have.

Sometimes Viggo’s hand would curl so tight around the glass of his beer mug during their meetings at the pub so hard that the glass would shatter. Sometimes he wanted it to shatter. It would be poetic then, the two of them surrounded by sharp glass.

(Viggo’s metaphors escaped him sometimes – or perhaps he just thought they escaped him, because he didn’t want to unwind all the meanings he refused to admit to himself.)

He liked to think that Sean never noticed the desperation tinging his own breath whenever he was allowed to slide his hand around the back of Sean’s neck and feel the way his heart beat against his palm. Sometimes Viggo wanted to wrap his legs around Sean’s waist and pull him inside himself, to feel the comforting heat of Sean’s cock within himself, keeping him there as if the joining of their bodies was equal to the joining of their hearts and mind.

There was ritual in the rocking back and forth of their hips as they took each other; something sacramental in the soft gasps that escaped out of Sean’s lips with every scrape of Viggo’s cock over his prostate; something terribly precious in the way he stroked his hands down Viggo’s sides. Afterwards, Viggo would try to trace the hands on himself, his arms wrapped around his own torso. But his own hands were the wrong shape, the pressure was wrong, and his shoulders ached and burned away all possible illusions.

Sean could always have had him if he only asked. Viggo tried to make it clear with grasping hands because it was too dirty and base with words. He tried to offer himself with his messages. Hey, are you free to meet up was coded; a hidden, scared way of saying I want to see you, I want you with me. Subtlety was key, he thought, because if might terrify Sean if he was any more obvious.

(In the depths of his mind, where poetry and art and photography resided, he knew that wasn't true. He wanted bigger love, but he only knew how to avert his eyes and pretend to look at someone else.)

Once, just once, he was brave enough to tip up his head and press a kiss on Sean’s forehead. Let me be your harbour, he thought then, heart trembling as he took in the scent of Sean’s hair and the salt-sweet scent of his sweat like the cleanest and freshest of air after a lifetime of drowning.

Let me be your port in the storm. Let me hold you close and become the one you return to, so that one day I might return to you too.

It was for Sean that he spoke his code. For Sean's sake that he gave him a CD with the songs that represented his heart as much as he could without saying it himself. He burned his heart into the smooth metal along with the music's data, but Sean had never said a thing about it.

Maybe it was because he could he could see the reflection of a broken, fragile heart barely kept together with duct tape and sheer will within the reflection of Sean’s eyes.

Viggo moved to Spain and tried to find happiness with Ariadna. For love's sake he moved, he told himself and her and others. But that was code as well: it was for love's sake. Not love for her as he knew he implied, but the bigger love, the love he could feel threatening to take over his whole heart. His love for her was smaller, easier, and he could look her in the eyes instead of away. She was his harbour, and he could want to ne nothing else for her sake instead of wishing to be what he knew he could and maybe should be.

There was always fear when it came to the big loves. The last he had felt it was Henry and Exene, and though he could be a father, he couldn't find it within himself to be a husband again. There would be too much change, too much need for it. Viggo was too old for such things, he knew.

If he had met Sean ten years earlier, or even earlier than that, then maybe…maybe he could have convinced himself to take that chance.

(It really wasn’t for Sean’s sake that he spoke in code at all. The fractured heart he saw in Sean’s eyes might be Sean’s, and he had convinced himself that if he took the first step, he would tear both of the duct tape off both of their hearts and scatter the pieces all along the ground to be crushed beneath both of their feet into dust.

Maybe he was just a coward after all. If it was Sean who took the first step, then Viggo could blame him if anything went wrong and they broke both of their hearts. He kept that knowledge deep within his heart, deeper than the words and the colours that bloomed within his mind, because he still would like to believe himself to be a good person.)

Every eighteen months, he and Sean continued their ritual. Sometimes it was sooner than eighteen months if he could not take separating himself from Sean for so long, or if Sean asked. Viggo could not deny him anything. They would drink, and maybe smoke together. They would talk about their projects, catch up over the last eighteen months (or twelve). Sometimes Viggo would take the risk and show Sean the photographs he had taken, hoping against hope that Sean could read his heart in the shadows of the leaves he captured, or maybe in the stark colours – or the lack of – or even in the strange angles he used. His photographs were always a little bit distorted, a little bit abstract. Perhaps Sean could tell something from that.

Sean never did, and Viggo would try his best to not feel disappointed.

After they talked, they would find a place where they would have sex. Fuck. One of the two words. They had almost a routine by now. Sean would always kiss him on the neck first, moving down to his collarbone, his teeth scraping against his pulse. Then Viggo could push him down onto the bed, or let Sean do it, and their clothes would slip off their bodies. Sean would always reach for the lube first, whether he was on his back or not.

He could almost write a step-by-step damned recipe for their meetings. They had been the same since the first time a year after the Fellowship of the Ring premieres. Nothing had changed, and despite Viggo’s loathing for stagnation, he couldn’t bring himself to change a single thing.

The dangerous thing about rituals was that the word itself was a mere synonym away from habit. Sean – the unreachable, unattainable nature of him – was now habitual and Viggo’s heart was a small, scared butterfly. He wasn’t a moth, and now he couldn’t help but envy one.

A moth would have the strength and courage to fly towards the flames, death be damned.


Part 3: one day

[identity profile] j-flattermann.livejournal.com 2013-06-30 09:28 am (UTC)(link)
This is so true that it saddens me. All these stored feelings let out in small portions in difficult code and then the hoping against hope that the other one knows how to read.
It never happens. The other one never even sees the coded words, on the contrary; he too might have a code and wishing for the same, hoping against hope.
As none of them is able to speak up it will always remain as this - a ritual.

[identity profile] evocates.livejournal.com 2013-07-09 12:55 am (UTC)(link)
This is such a late reply, but yes, exactly. Speaking in code, or believing that you're speaking in code, is just so much easier than being honest and open.

/snugs. Thank you so much for commenting, lovely! ♥

[identity profile] bluegerl.livejournal.com 2013-06-30 11:17 am (UTC)(link)
This is what the play Purgatorio was about. The inability to 'let go' - to 'say that word - those words'. And so they went on and on and one. round and round, torturing, screaming, hurting, crying ... unable to dare the one tiny step. Terrible play, dark and dreadful, and wonderful. PURGATORY... one never escapes.... (Or does one? I did!)

And oh, those tiny secret codes. The pictures that 'almost' ... the poems - all Viggo's poems and there are a LOT dated about that time, are heartbreaking. I really wonder if this Sean knows all these signals and is sooooo afraid that he simply can't believe they are for him? He can't be so unfeeling.... corse not! He is as hungry for their meetings, as starved for this ritual reassurance as Viggo is.

I'm a bit scared by this, as it seems.... so ... damned ... possible? Likely? I know we are all fantasizing and stuff, but seriously.... there has to be some seed of - wondering? Some reason for our minds to do this to them? I simply will not believe anything other than my own eyes when I look at the Jameson's Award pics.

And the love he has for Ariadna - yes, of course it is his harbour, somewhere to rest an aching heart - and maybe with a loving understanding pair of arms there. Any wise woman would do the same for Sean ... only he's too scared?

I do love the way you write/see them. The human real persona inside the faces on photos. I've thought this so often, but couldn't put it into words. Thanks so very very much for doing this/these.

Many hugs and blowings of kisses etc. aahhhh please go find something less ....oh lord. what about the one Communion. 1999-2002 That almost fits this fic. OOoh these two........

[identity profile] evocates.livejournal.com 2013-07-09 02:08 am (UTC)(link)
I didn't know that about Purgatorio! That's something new I've learned today. 8D But purgatory is a good word for the place that Viggo is in right now, honestly. And it's the same for Sean; I don't think that Sean is purposefully blind, but Viggo is speaking in code, and I think Sean is a little too fearful himself to interpret the words no matter how much he wishes to.

I can't say whether or not the stories are true; no one can except Viggo and Sean, and who would ask them? /snugs. It's just imagination, and I do hope they're not feeling like this because it sucks.

Thank you so much for reading and commenting, lovely. I always love your comments. ♥!

[identity profile] noalinnea.livejournal.com 2013-06-30 08:55 pm (UTC)(link)
This is heartbreaking- both of them filled with the same longing but neither of them able to act on it :s
And Viggo's hands wanting to reach out, to pull close, to hold... but never being allowed in the constant fear of loosing what little he has of Sean ( or what little he thinks he has of Sean when in fact, he has all his heart). This code is so very fitting, like he mask he is hiding behind and that he wishes Sean will lift one day. And that's exactly what I'm going to demand you write: the moment when Viggo musters enough courage to press another kiss to Sean's face and this time Sean's lips meet his half way (or something similar). Please please pleasepleaseplease ;) Thanks so much for sharing both sides of the story with us, lovely, they both are brilliant!

[identity profile] evocates.livejournal.com 2013-07-09 02:35 am (UTC)(link)
This code is so very fitting, like he mask he is hiding behind and that he wishes Sean will lift one day.

Oh, that is an absolutely lovely image, and very, very suitable.

And that's exactly what I'm going to demand you write: the moment when Viggo musters enough courage to press another kiss to Sean's face and this time Sean's lips meet his half way (or something similar)

I did! And you read it. 8D Though I'm still prodding you to comment to it, oho. :3

Thank you lovely. /hugs you tight

(Anonymous) 2013-07-01 05:28 am (UTC)(link)
Oh man, ow. T___T

I'd quote you walls of text but I'll limit myself to these two lines:

He kept that knowledge deep within his heart, deeper than the words and the colours that bloomed within his mind, because he still would like to believe himself to be a good person


A moth would have the strength and courage to fly towards the flames, death be damned.

;~; Echoing what's been said above, the two fics just ring so true and that's why they're so heartbreaking - as much as I'm all about the fluff and rainbows and happy endings, reality is usually a lot more like this. Misunderstandings and fear and important things left unspoken. And now I'm sad but damn I love how you write these two. <33333

(Anonymous) 2013-07-01 05:29 am (UTC)(link)
Ah crap, forgot to mention that that was me (Dex).

[identity profile] evocates.livejournal.com 2013-07-09 02:18 am (UTC)(link)
You don't have to tell me who you are; I think I can tell by now. :3 :3 :3

/hugs you tightly. I'm sorry I make you sad, but I'm happy about it at the same time. Because lawl, I made me sad when I was writing this. So it's a conflicting series of emotions, I guess.

But thank you so much for commenting, lovely! ♥♥

[identity profile] sadme4b.livejournal.com 2013-07-05 02:04 pm (UTC)(link)
because it seems it could be true
but that can be said for a lot of us, too afraid to take the chance - far more butterfly than moth

[identity profile] evocates.livejournal.com 2013-07-09 02:19 am (UTC)(link)
I find that the truest things are the saddest and vice versa. Which says quite a lot about reality, honestly. >_>

Thank you so much, lovely! ♥