evocates: (Real: Sean - Solitary smokes)
• just another dreamer • ([personal profile] evocates) wrote2013-06-24 02:39 pm

[FIC] RPF: sometimes

This was written after a whole week when it’s impossible for me to be cheerful because of the weather. That should say everything about this fic.

I'm saying nothing else.


Characters/Pairings: Sean Bean/Viggo Mortensen
Rating: R
Words: ~1630
Disclaimer: Didn’t happen, just the product of my imagination.
Summary:He wanted bigger love, Viggo had once written. Had to have it like he had to dream himself to sleep.” Sean and Viggo meet every eighteen months, sometimes sooner, but never more than once every year. It is a ritual, maybe. Edit: Now part one of refractions.

Sometimes, almost miraculously, they would be at the same place at the same time. Their lives were like two graphs, travelling their own ways, only meeting when the stars aligned or something equally ridiculous. It usually happened once every eighteen months or so, or – if they were lucky – once a year. Sean had stopped trying to make himself believe that he didn’t want more.

It always started with messages. In voicemails, emails, or sometimes even actual pen and paper being delivered to his London house (no, Sean thought, that was just that once).

Hey, I’m heading over to where you are right now. Want to have a drink?

Hey, that sounds great! Where?

How about…

Then they would find a bar – or a pub, if they were in Britain – and they would sit there, looking at each other with wry smiles on their faces. Sean rarely remembered what they talked about: often their children or their projects or even the newest photographs Viggo or taken or the new places they had both gone to. What mattered wasn’t what they said, Sean thought – it was the sound of Viggo’s voice, the way he slurred his word and drew out every consonant as if tasting them on his tongue; the way he would consider his every sentence before saying them. Viggo was the only man he knew who spoke in complete, grammatical sentences all the time.

They never did talk about their girlfriends – or, during two meetings, Sean’s wife. Those were topics that were off-limits, hovering over their heads like ghosts, like smog that refused to be batted away.

Afterwards, pleasantly buzzed by drink, they would go to Viggo’s rented house, or Sean’s hotel room. If it was Viggo’s place, Sean would always take note of the little things that Viggo had picked up in his time – no matter how brief – in the city doing whatever he was usually doing. There were always touches of Viggo all over the place, whether it was the eclectic sheets or the seashells on the mantelpiece and nightstand. One time, it was the curtains, with strange prints of wild horses leaping over moons.

Sean’s hotel room was always empty. He didn’t pick things up like Viggo did. His memories he preferred to keep in his own head, hoarding every single image and sound like Tolkien’s dragons hoarded their treasures. Unlike Viggo, who always brought an extra bag with him whenever he travelled, Sean nearly always left with exactly what he brought.

The only times he didn’t was when Viggo gave him things. There were little pieces of memory dotted all over Sean’s place: a photograph of a bitten apple, a CD of some musician Sean had never heard of unless from Viggo’s lips, sometimes a particularly interesting-looking rock or two. He kept them all in his living room, stuffed in his display case, the one mess amongst all the neatly organised paraphernalia he was given from his movies.

He could always try to pack them up properly, or even stow them in the attic. But mess was always appropriate when it came to Viggo, so Sean left it like that.

Viggo would make mate if they went to his house; Sean would get more beer from the minibar. But they always ended up in the bedroom with their hands reaching out for each other. No matter how long Viggo had held a cold beer, his fingers were always warm as he dragged Sean down to the bed.

They would fuck. Either Viggo driving inside Sean, or Sean driving inside Viggo. Sean would grip Viggo’s hips, or thighs, or shoulders, or hands. Anywhere that they could reach. His thighs would clench around Viggo’s legs when he was the one on his back, heels digging into the back of knees. Viggo’s nails would dig into his shoulders when it was his turn. Not too hard, because they never did leave marks on each other.

When they fucked, their breaths came out as heavy pants, disappearing into the air even thought they were all laden with the thousands of words they would never speak to each other. Or at least, the air was heavy with Sean’s words, with all of those that he wouldn’t – couldn’t – say.

Lonely air it was, truly, never touching. Sean always thought Viggo beautiful whenever he tossed his head back, his hair plastered to his face, his lips parted and trembling with every exhale he released.

They did this every eighteen months. Sometimes shorter, but not more than once every year. Like a ritual, sometimes Sean tried to tell himself. Could something be a ritual if it had happened less than ten times? Viggo would know; would even tell him the etymology of the word, he bet. He was always interested in that sort of thing.

(Or at least, Sean thought he was. It had been years since he talked to Viggo about language and words.)

Once, after Sean's fourth divorce, they had lain on the bed next to each other, sharing a cigarette. Sean looked at Viggo's mouth then; stared at the way his lips curled around the orange filter, and he leaned over and sucked the smoke as it curled out with Viggo's exhale.

It was the closest thing to a kiss they had ever shared. Friends who fucked didn't kiss, and that was all they were.

Some days he missed Viggo so much that he would say his name over and over, rubbing the edges of the sound against the sides of his mouth. Then he would find himself on his phone or laptop, trying to find out where Viggo was. If he was feeling particularly brave - or drunk - he would send a message, wondering if Viggo wanted to meet. Twice, Sean was lucky, because his lips were still forming Viggo’s name soundlessly in the air when his phone pinged with an email or a text, and Viggo would ask if he was at a particular place, because he was there too.

Sean had known the taste of Viggo’s skin for more than ten years. Salt and cigarette ash and the scent of sunshine on grass, something that reached deep inside him and dragged out his heart kicking and screaming in its vulnerability. He always closed his eyes whenever they fucked, because he was terrified that his heart would escape from his eyes before he had a chance to pull it back and lock it behind its cage of bones again, where it was safe.

It really wasn’t that Sean was afraid of love.

He wanted love. He wanted bigger love, Viggo had written once, a poem filled with heartbreak and longing so familiar that Sean wanted to call Viggo up and asked if he was writing about him, or maybe if Viggo understood him much better than he had ever thought. Sean wanted bigger love; wanted the kind that would last forever.

No, Sean was afraid of something he couldn’t name. It was always there whenever he looked at Viggo or fucked him or even received a message from him – there at the base of his throat, a solid, living thing that beat with every breath he took. Sometimes he wanted to stop Viggo from pushing him down onto the bed; sometimes he wanted to just wrap his limbs around Viggo, putting their chests together to see what kind of music their combined heartbeats would make.

Once, just once, after they had both came, Viggo tipped his head up and brushed his lips over Sean’s hairline. Like the benediction Aragorn had given Boromir, except far more intimate. His fingers had folded into the ends of Viggo’s too-long hair then, touching without holding, and he would remember forever those few seconds before Viggo pulled away.

To touch, but never to have, never to hold. Wedding vows should not mean so much to him when he had broken them four times, but Sean found the words engraved into the insides of his heart anyway.

In the end, they were not the King and the Steward, and Sean didn’t know if Viggo would remember him so well that he would die one day wearing his vambraces, kept lovingly and taken out every year to mourn over.

Sometimes when Sean was in those minutes between sober and drunk, those minutes when he stared into his beer or whiskey before taking another gulp, he knew what that living thing was in the base of his throat. It was his heart trying to escape him. Whenever he looked at Viggo, he would stare at his long-fingered hands, those hands that had made so much beauty, and thought that if there was anyone in the world who could hold the shattered, fragile thing that was his heart, it would be Viggo.

Sean knew he would give it to him, all of it, without a single shard left for himself. Sometimes he tried to make himself believe that he didn’t because a damaged heart might be glued together, but its edges were still sharp, and he didn’t want to hurt Viggo. But those words were hollow and false even in his own head.

He wanted bigger love, Viggo had once written. Had to have it like he had to dream himself to sleep.

Viggo’s words were penned years and years ago, and Sean was sure – so very sure – that he had already found someone who could give it to him. Someone without a heart fragmented and scarred; someone who didn’t sit in the corner of an impersonal hotel room after Viggo had left, mouthing his name over and over, trying to lock his taste and scent and warmth into two syllables.

For Sean, such love was better kept in dreams, and he was afraid.


He wanted bigger love,
had to have it like he
had to dream himself
to sleep. Recrossed
his legs and waited
for her tears. When
they came, he held
her hand, pretended
to be interested in
someone walking by
their table.

- Viggo Mortensen, Just Coffee

Part 2: maybe

[identity profile] bluegerl.livejournal.com 2013-06-24 09:35 am (UTC)(link)
Gaah you've made me bleed again. Just Coffee! His poems just ask for pictures and heartbreak don't they. You've got this one just right. SHITE...it's lovely and sad and true and .... dammit. It almost fits those pics of Bean sitting outside the caff.

Don't we all dream of a bigger love.. or any love, but this pair in particular -- not kissing, or .... WOMAN Find another poem 0h that's impossible, I can't think of one except Cuttings. Ah cuttings....

Maybe it'll one day - break like a tidal wave??????/ Thanks Evo. bless you - you do love these guys from right inside! MMMmmmmmm hugs and hugs.

And I am so glad the wind has changed. I'd sort of like to come to Singy again, but then - I DO bear in mind that it is better NOT to revisit places, because I have done it a couple of times with unhappy feelings after. So... Yes, building must have been Terminal 2 - ONE didn't even have any air-conditoning in and it was knocked down almost, and open to the air and ooooh my it was hot and humid!
I remember it very well. Very well. Bless.

[identity profile] evocates.livejournal.com 2013-06-26 08:37 am (UTC)(link)
Cuttings? Man, you have to tell me what you mean, because now I'm curious and itching for further inspiration. 8D I hope things get better for this particular Viggo and Sean pair too; I feel bad for making them suffer through the misery that I had, aha.

And yeah, it'd be odd to revisit this place nowadays, because it's so different, so modern now. Still, pictures are good, right? /snugs. Thank you so much for reading and commenting, lovely!

[identity profile] bluegerl.livejournal.com 2013-06-26 08:50 am (UTC)(link)
'Cuttings' is the title of one of Vigs' poems, about the two blue flowers growing on an errant vine. It should be in one of the collection I sent you. It starts off 'There are two blue flowers ...

I've just used it for a dble drble Ipomea and Passion. (I thought I'd sent the full poem with the drabble to welovegovi, but it's not there, so you could have read it.)

Things will get better - CORSE they well, as we are ten years ahead of them!!! WE KNOW it got better, so we can enjoy the angst and pain and sadness and breastbeating... And I DOOO.... (which is somehow really HORRID of me - inflicting such hurt and loss and.... on Our Boys) Oh thank heavens it is all Fiction (we hope? .. erm....? oh dear rotten us.)

[identity profile] wildshadowstar.livejournal.com 2013-06-24 11:23 am (UTC)(link)
You've captured the pain and heartache of the poem wonderfully. Not much else I can say, except that I loved it.

[identity profile] evocates.livejournal.com 2013-06-26 08:37 am (UTC)(link)
The poem actually clicked into my head only halfway through writing this, but I'm so glad it fits. Thank you! ♥

[identity profile] peersrogue.livejournal.com 2013-06-24 11:47 am (UTC)(link)
Beautfully written evocates, an exquisite choice of words and phrases. I love your rift on that sad fragment from a Viggo poem.

Got to be honest, I always feel that Sean is very fragile; that somewhere in his emotional life he has been terribly hurt. Bless.

[identity profile] evocates.livejournal.com 2013-06-26 08:38 am (UTC)(link)
I always have a tendency of writing Sean as being a fragile heart, really, so I'm glad this suits your tastes. Thank you so much ♥

(Anonymous) 2013-06-24 12:25 pm (UTC)(link)
I got worried when I read the note and snippet of Viggo's poem before the fic, because I try to avoid angsty stuff if I can, but of course I was going to read this regardless - it's Sean/Viggo and it's by you, so.

And I'm so glad I did read it, because this was gorgeous, bb. <333 And not so much angsty as, like... quietly melancholy, and somehow all the more heartbreaking because of it. I love that it's entirely from Sean's POV and you have no idea what Viggo thinks or feels about the situation at all, except for that tiny hint where Viggo kissed Sean's forehead. T_T

(This is Dex, btw.)

[identity profile] evocates.livejournal.com 2013-06-26 08:39 am (UTC)(link)
That's actually the whole poem. I love how Viggo's poems can be so short and yet evocative at the same time. Love and envy it, really. >_>

I love that it's entirely from Sean's POV and you have no idea what Viggo thinks or feels about the situation at all, except for that tiny hint where Viggo kissed Sean's forehead. T_T

I have a tendency to do that with Sean, especially angsty stuff (see A Captain's Duty and half-life, ahaha), but I'm really, really glad that it works here. Thank you so much for reading this, Dex lovely. ♥!

[identity profile] babschwi53.livejournal.com 2013-06-24 12:38 pm (UTC)(link)
wHY are we so afraid ? Maybe they hurt more because they are afraid. And the heart will never heal, because it get's shredded once a year again... and again... and again. It would be easier to forget completely. But can we live without hope? And is once a year better than none at all? Questions over questions and no answers I found your story very depressing - but that would chime in with the weather.
And it what be nice to know Viggos p.o.v.. !! Hint hint.... please!

[identity profile] evocates.livejournal.com 2013-06-26 08:40 am (UTC)(link)
I found your story very depressing

I'm glad you enjoy it, nonetheless. I don't know whether I would be able to write Viggo's POV to this - it really depends on if inspiration strikes. But thank you so much for reading and commenting. ♥

[identity profile] ms-ivory.livejournal.com 2013-06-24 01:36 pm (UTC)(link)
This makes me want to hug your Sean so badly... but of course it wouldn't helpsince he only yearns for Viggo. Poor wounded soul. The image of the shattered heart at the base of his throat is so very fitting. Beatifully written.

[identity profile] evocates.livejournal.com 2013-06-26 08:40 am (UTC)(link)
Sean deserves all the hugs for what I put him through here, honestly. I'm glad you enjoyed it, lovely, and thank you for telling me. ♥

[identity profile] j-flattermann.livejournal.com 2013-06-24 06:00 pm (UTC)(link)
It's just amazing how you reach out and you find them on the spot, right in the heart.
THis is so wrong and true and sad.
Do you consider to write the counterpart? Viggo's view?
I would love to see that.

Glad that the wind came and blew the muck away. IF only I had known how much wind was necessary. It blew over us like ...
Well, let's say "It's been a wee bit on the breezy side over here."


[identity profile] evocates.livejournal.com 2013-06-26 08:42 am (UTC)(link)
Do you consider to write the counterpart? Viggo's view?

Man, I didn't even consider writing that, but now that people are asking... >_> I'm going to try my best to look for inspiration that will fit the two of them in this 'verse. /snugs

Ahaha, wind is always good in my opinion, but I hope it's not too cold. Thank you for reading and commenting, Flair! ♥

[identity profile] afra-schatz.livejournal.com 2013-06-24 06:38 pm (UTC)(link)
OMG, you are SO UNFAIR to post fic when I have to work so much that I can barely see straight!!! Damn you, now all I want to do is read this thing and not prepare lessons for tomorrow and grade papers and shit like that. DAMN YOU!!! (I am SO looking forward to the holidays, or at least the weekend!!!) - Damn you. I have read nothing but the first line in the link and yet it's already stuck in my head. ACK!

[identity profile] evocates.livejournal.com 2013-06-26 08:42 am (UTC)(link)

[identity profile] noalinnea.livejournal.com 2013-06-24 07:34 pm (UTC)(link)
It's one of those ones, I think, where I feel I won't be getting anywhere because I just want to quote the whole thing back at you because it's just brilliant, from the beginning to the end. But I'll try to contend myself with picking some of my favorite lines.
Let me begin with saying that I love it, just because it's so incredibly sad, and there is so much longing on Sean's side and this inability to work past whatever it is that keeps him from opening up to Viggo (oh my god, this line about the shared puff of smoke being closest to a kiss shared--- so sad!). This reasoning with himself, I liked that a lot, as if there was a point to make when everything is already said after the first paragraph: Sean had stop trying to make himself believe that he didn’t want more. He knows exactly where he stands and yet is standing in his own way.

I loved Sean's initial description of Viggo, in comparison to himself, with all the attention to detail that only a lover bothers with. The way Viggo talks, how his fingers always are warm, how his skin smells, the way he decorates his hotel room and the presents he gives Sean (one of my favorites- that he actually collects them, puts them on display in his living room and lets the chaos remind him of Viggo). And then, seamlessly, Sean's pain seeping into the description, his longing. It's so sad, all of it really, this unfulfilled longing, unfulfilled love, Sean guarding his heart from something he deep down does not want to guard it from and yet does not dare to take the final step, caught up in the idea that he could not possibly be what Viggo wants. Those images are all painfully beautiful:

Lonely air it was, truly, never touching.
Sometimes he wanted to stop Viggo from pushing him down onto the bed; sometimes he wanted to just wrap his limbs around Viggo, putting their chests together to see what kind of music their combined heartbeats would make.
To touch, but never to have, never to hold.

In summary, again: I loved it, every single line. (and this gloomy feeling, very fitting for this day... hope we won't see each other around every eighteen months only now! ;) *hugs!)

[identity profile] evocates.livejournal.com 2013-06-26 08:51 am (UTC)(link)
He knows exactly where he stands and yet is standing in his own way. [...] I loved Sean's initial description of Viggo, in comparison to himself, with all the attention to detail that only a lover bothers with.

I think I've been reading too many fics lately when the person in love doesn't realise that he is, because for me the realisation is always so much easier than doing something about that knowledge. Which is why Sean is perfectly aware that he loves Viggo here, but like you said, he's standing in his own way of going for what he wants. It's all unfulfilled longing and love, honestly, everything that's hidden deep inside, to the point that having admit that he loves becomes a form of torture instead of the release that it should have been.

/hugs you tightly. Oh, Noa, I have missed your comments so much. ♥♥♥!!!! And no, of course we won't see each other only once every eighteen months!

[identity profile] foxrafer.livejournal.com 2013-07-10 11:09 pm (UTC)(link)
You can really feel how much Sean wants and hopes in this piece, and I like the idea of him imagining Viggo's poem was written about him.